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#1 2007-12-31 15:39:04

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Humour

Could we start a humour post. We all need a smile once in awhile

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#2 2008-01-01 17:33:28

ewstratford
New member
From: stratford
Registered: 2008-01-01
Posts: 1

Re: Humour

ok Great humor I can find some 'cause its great being 2008!

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#3 2008-01-02 14:06:56

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

A lady went to a auction sale and bought a mirror that she later found out it had magical powers. When she got it home she hung it on the bedroom door, stipped down to nothing stood in fron of it and said mirror mirror on the wall give me a pair of breast as big as Dolly Parton in a flash she had them.
Her husband came home and see what had happened to her she told him what she bought so he thought he would try it.
He stiped to nothing in front of the mirror and said the same thing mirror mirror on the wall give me a penis to touch the floor.
BOTH LEGS FELL OF.

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#4 2008-01-02 14:08:35

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

Mary had a little lamb she also had a bear
I often seen mary's little lamb
But I never saw her bare.
   LOL

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#5 2008-01-03 14:14:12

spankie
Member
Registered: 2008-01-01
Posts: 1350

Re: Humour

Did you hear about the Blond who got fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the W's.

How do you know a Blond's been at your computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

User: My cup holder is broken.
Tech: What cup holder would that be?
User: You know that tray that comes out of my computer to hold my cup.
Tech: Sir, that's the CD-ROM drive.

Last edited by spankie (2008-01-03 14:14:34)

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#6 2008-01-07 10:32:08

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

-An elderly gentleman...>> Had serious hearing problems for a> number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him> fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear> 100%>> The elderly gentleman went back in a> month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your> family must be really pleased that you can hear> again.'>> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't> told my family yet.>> I just sit around and listen to the> conversations. I've changed my will three times!'>>>> Two elderly gentlemen from a> retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to> the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches> and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you> feel?'>> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn> baby.'>> 'Really!? Like a newborn> baby!?'>> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I> just wet my pants.'>

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#7 2008-01-07 10:48:47

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

Hospital regulations require a wheel> chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student> nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the> bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to> leave the hospital.>> After a chat about rules being rules,> he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.>> On the way down I asked him if his> wife was meeting him.>> 'I don't know,' he said 'She's still> upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital> gown'>>>>>> Couple in their nineties are both> having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells> them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing> things down to help them remember.>> Later that ni ght, while watching TV,> the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the> kitchen?' he asks.>> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice> cream?'>> 'Sure.'>> 'Don't you think you should write it> down so you can remember it?' she asks.>> 'No, I can remember> it.'>> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on> top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget> it?'>> He says, 'I can remember that. You> want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'>> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm> certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she> asks.>> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to> write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped> cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'>> Then he toddles into the kitchen.> After about 20 minutes,>> The old man returns from the kitchen> and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for> a moment.>> 'Where's my toast> ?'>

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#8 2008-01-23 19:33:48

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

Two Old Guys

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old guys, one 87 and one 90, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning. The 90-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.

The 87-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 90-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 87-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves . . . By the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it! Everybody in the world knows about this
sh** but me!"
__________________

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#9 2008-01-23 20:01:01

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:   We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:   We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:   Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know   about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:     Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:   Uh.... I was getting' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None .
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Are you sh**' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:   By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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#10 2008-01-26 00:27:23

Dissident
Member
Registered: 2008-01-25
Posts: 144

Re: Humour

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he   agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" !

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....

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#11 2008-01-26 00:29:42

Dissident
Member
Registered: 2008-01-25
Posts: 144

Re: Humour

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

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#12 2008-01-26 13:57:56

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

They gave me a chuckle

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#13 2008-02-03 09:08:50

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

The Refugee Claimant

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Toronto immigration offices.

"My good man," the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three children."

The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Markham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here."

PING!

In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a Canadian. With Canadian clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Canadians."

PING!

The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Blue Jays T-shirt and a Maple Leaf baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD .......

The fairy said "Tough luck, Jack. Now that you are a Canadian, you have to fend for yourself."
And she disappeared!

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#14 2008-02-05 13:59:56

Dissident
Member
Registered: 2008-01-25
Posts: 144

Re: Humour

*** Are you a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Redneck?**

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Scenario

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


** Liberal's Answer**

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.


**Conservative's Answer**

BANG!


** Redneck's Answer**

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click



HERE COMES THE BEST PART,


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"

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#15 2008-02-09 18:46:17

Dave
Member
Registered: 2007-12-27
Posts: 413

Re: Humour

butter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.

'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches!
You should try it.' Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

Wait for it .........


Wait ..............



'Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed!! 'Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!'

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

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